I’ve Got the Protein Shakes

Protein shakes taste terrible.

They do; there’s no two-ways about it.

I didn’t realize what a craze this whole protein shake thing was until just this past week.  It seems with the New Year everyone has decided to introduce vomit shakes into their diet plans, and they all walk around the gym shaking those stupid special-made thermoses whose contents comes in colors that can best be described as “unappetizing.”

First off, I’m suspicious of any powder that turns into a drink unless it is accompanied by a fat red guy and comes in flavors like “Ecto-Cooler.”  Kool-aid is the only acceptable powder drink.  Game, set, match.  No more games.

Secondly, though, you know you have to be suspicious of this stuff when the special thermoses that come with the shakes have a filter on the spout, and sometimes include an “agitator” in the body to break up chunks.

Yes, that’s right, the filter and agitator prevent you from drinking chunks.

Now, call me stupid, but I’m pretty sure the only liquid I know that should have chunks is commonly called “soup,” and you normally don’t drink that from a thermos.  And if you do drink it from a thermos, it had better be a Campbell’s thermos with two round, snot-nosed kids on the front assuring you that it is “Mmmm-mmmm good.”

And that stuff in your thermos, that protein shake?  It is not “Mmmm-mmmm good.”  That is, of course, unless “mmmm-mmmm” is now considered a vomit noise.

And don’t even try to tell me what “flavor” it is.  Protein shakes only come in one flavor: dumpy.  Sure, it can be cherry-dumpy, or banana-dumpy, or even the chunky chocolate-dumpy.  But it’s all dumpy.

Please tell me how they come up with these flavors.  Because it’s all relative.  I mean, relative to a real strawberry, a strawberry protein shake tastes like dog crap.  And relative to dog crap, I imagine it’d taste like crap from a dog who ate strawberries a few days ago.  Sure, when compared to dirt a banana flavored protein shake might taste more like banana…but that does my stomach no good.  Especially when my stomach is already mad at me for the insane amount of time I spent planking.  In fact, I think I spend more time planking now, just so I can delay the inevitable vomit I’ll have to swallow in making one of those drinks.

Really, you should be suspicious of any drink whose container eventually smells like old feet after so many uses, even when you’ve washed it regularly.  That means something is off.

I was getting my water (water, cause it’s healthy) out of my locker when the guy next to me opened up his hell-holder (thermos) to release the most putrid smell I’ve ever smelled as he poured powder in the bottom.

“What flavor is that?” I asked in between gags.

“Dreamsicle,” he responded.  He was sitting down, obviously nauseated by the smell of his own concoction.

The only thing that smell made me dream about was diarrhea.  And I’m sure that dream became a reality for that poor young man with the stinky thermos.

Suffice to say, I will not be jumping on the protein shake bandwagon.  Thinking about it gives me the shakes.

I’ll stick with water, thank you.  And eggnog when it’s in season.


…and beer, any season.