They were buttheads.
Really; no two ways about it.
I was lifting, minding my own business, and they were chatting. Just out of high school maybe? Maybe rounding out their senior year?
Doesn’t matter. What matters is what they talked about. Well, actually, that didn’t matter much, either. You’ll see why.
BH 1: (arm curls) You know, I want to go to our High School reunion to see just how far Jake didn’t go.
BH 2: (mirroring arm curls) Yeah, people change their senior year, you know.
BH 1: They do change…
BH 2: I was a late bloomer, that’s for sure.
BH 1: What are you drinking this weekend?
BH 2: Well, I had a 24 pack but I drank it all last night.
<I’m going to pause at this moment to let that last line sink in. Because when he said that I looked over at him and snickered…and got noticed for eavesdropping. But, really, this kid drank a 24 pack last night? Yeah right. My thigh is bigger than his waist. Obviously the lie of someone who has NEVER drank 24 beers in a night…Ok. Back to the programming>
BH 1: Yeah. I got a six pack at home.
BH 2: What you drinking?
BH 1: Bud Lite.
BH 2: Yeah, I like that. Or some Corona. With lime and salt. The good stuff.
<Again…the labeling of Corona as “the good stuff” deserves a pause>
BH 1: I like Heineken. That stuff is strong. Heineken, though…that’ll make you sleepy, you know? I drink that and I’m all like “Man, I need a nap…”
<At this point I wanted to interject and tell the BH’s that actually it’s not Heineken, but rather just alcohol, and over consumption, that makes one tired. And, really, they shouldn’t be drinking at their age anyway because, well, it didn’t appear that they were chock full in the braincell department as it was, and thinning the herd wasn’t doing them any favors. But I just kept quiet. Lifting quietly so as to hear the continuing idiocy.>
BH 2: Heineken is no good, man. You gotta try Platinum. That stuff is great.
BH 1: (Switching to bench press)Yeah. Say, what’re you gonna do now, man? I’m gonna do manual labor.
BH 2: I don’t know. I might be a physical therapist. Or maybe business. You know, ’cause I’m really persuasive.
BH 1: You are, man. You like to kiss ass.
BH 2: To get ahead you have to, man. I’m good at it.
BH 1: Yeah, you are…
BH 2: You know? I can bull with the best of them, too. I can sell water to a well. I can sell ice to an Eskimo…
<And this all is to be lauded? At this point I resolved myself never to let Finn, at least to the best of my ability, think being shrewd is better than being noble. Seriously. Oh, and to let him know about the dangers of underage drinking. And that Corona is not “the good stuff.”>
BH 1: Yeah, you’re going to be a yuppie.
BH 2: You know it. Can’t wait. (Switch bench presser and spotter)
<Actually, we should take a moment of silence in reverence for something absolutely original. No one has ever said, “You know it. I can’t wait” in reference to their future as a yuppie. Usually, when it dawns on you that you’re a yuppie, you start to grow a mustache and pledge allegiance to PBR as an attempt to claw your way into hipsterhoood.>
BH 2: You know what else? I can get girls to do anything for me. It’s like a super power or something.
BH 1: I feel bad doing that, man.
<Ah! A bright spot>
BH 1: Unless I’m drunk.
BH 1: Then I’m all sorts of smooth talking and can do it.
BH 2: You know how many girls I have bringing me food? Like Amy brings me food every day. Every. Day.
BH 1: Amy? She’s the ugly one, right?
BH 2: Naw; she’s not so bad, dawg.
<Do not say “dawg.” You cannot say “dawg” with any sort of credibility, future-mr-yuppie.>
BH 1: Whatever man. Alright, I’m done. You?
BH 2: Yeah. Cool.
Butthead 1 and Butthead 2 went to parts unknown. Probably to sweet talk some not-so-bad girl into buying them burritos.
Here’s what I learned about our friends:
They’re too young to be drinking, do not drink honorable beer, think being a “good businessman” means swindling people and kissing butt, want to see how far their classmates fall, and use women for food.
Oh, and they can each curl 30lbs and bench 120lbs.
…and the one is a “late bloomer.”
Fascinating, really. Like watching hamsters in the wild: they’re as useless as when they’re caged.
Mamas (and Papas): Don’t let your babies grow up to be buttheads.